I can’t help myself.
I have this tendency to obsess over things. One at a time a subject or an idea will consume me. While obsession has the foundation of passion, which is healthy, my capricious nature can make it rather unhealthy.
It can be anything. One week I wanted to work on cut paper art and I was being moody because I couldn’t go to the craft store for supplies. Well, I got the supplies and haven’t touched them. That was a chunk of money that I don’t have to begin with dropped on something that I completely lost interest in once I obtained it. Other weeks it’s the cafe I dream of, or it’s the idea that I could learn to tattoo.
This sends me spiraling from one thing to another without really having anything to show for it. So, when I see people I graduated with having careers, I’m entirely embarrassed. Why haven’t I gotten my shit together yet? Why can’t I maintain that kind of passion for one thing? Everything was just so distracting.
All of my life I wanted to write fiction. Then, in 2012, I wrote a book. And in 2013 I revised and revised and revised that book. I did the thing and immediately lost my love for it. Like usual. I let all of that passion dwindle and die. I let my work gather dust and fall from my mind. I’m frustrated with myself. I kind of want to erase all of this and find another topic, even.
Hubs said I wanted all of the good without the work. At first, I was mad at him. I have done so much work and been put through so much already. I was done working. But, he’s right. The easy part of my writing was done and now it was time for the hard part, boring ass nitpicking and spelling error correction. Even harder is getting back on the path to constant writing. My desire to do anything other than browse the internet is minimal and I’m ashamed.
I am a writer, damn it. I always was and will continue to be. There are times that I fear what I’ll do when we move, but the idea was always that I’d continue writing. While moving definitely impedes writing time, I can always pick up and move my job.
Breathe easy, Leah. Breathe.
Life will be okay. I need to stop letting every little thing distract me. Inspire, yes. Distract, no.